What To Do if You Know a Friend, Relative, Neighbor or Coworker is Being Abused at Home

ten ways you can help:

You know your co-worker, friend, neighbor, or relative is being abused at home. What can you do to help her? According to the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence and the U.S. Department of Justice, there are many things you can do to help women in this extremely difficult, emotional and dangerous situation.

• Gather all the information you can about domestic violence . The nine projects of the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence not only offer women safety, but also provide advocacy, support, and other needed services. Battered women’s advocates can be an excellent source of support for both you and the person you want to help. Do not call a project for an abused woman. Call to educate yourself and find out how to be most supportive and helpful to someone who is being abused. “Women have an absolute right to be free of bodily harm,” said Phyl Rubinstein, nationally recognized domestic violence expert formerly at the University of New England . “We must act on that belief.”
• Lending a sympathetic ear may be the best help you can offer . Don’t force the issue. Simply let her confide in you at her own pace. Always validate her thoughts and feelings, offer her choices and remain respectful of her autonomy. “Never blame her for what’s happening or underestimate her potential danger. Remember that your friend must make her own decisions about her life,” advises the Department of Justice in a pamphlet entitled “Helping Battered Women.” Don’t think you’ll be the influence in her life that will rescue her, or get frustrated because she is making choices that you don’t agree with or because things are not moving as fast as you would like.
• Acknowledge that no one deserves to be hurt. Remember Domestic Violence is a crime. Rubinstein says, “sometimes we’re afraid that a woman might be insulted if we tell her our suspicions, yet it can help a woman feel OK about seeking help. Also acknowledge that it takes a lot of courage and strength to stay with an abusive partner.
• Guide your friend or relative to community services . Share the information you’ve gathered about abuse with her privately. Let her know she is not alone and that people care about her. Encourage her to seek the assistance of battered women’s advocates at the local domestic violence hotline or program. “If you are offering resources, you are opening a door,” said Rubinstein.
• Give her the emotional support she needs . Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse. According to the Department of Justice:

  The abuser probably continually tells your friend that she is a bad woman, a bad wife, and a bad mother. Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, she may begin to believe she can’t do anything right – that there really is something wrong with her. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.

  Don’t tell her what to do, how she should feel, or make excuses for the abuser.

• Be there for her when she needs you, and tell her you’ll be there . Provide whatever you can such as transportation, childcare or financial assistance.
• Help her develop a safety plan . Help your friend think through the steps that she should take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people she can call in an emergency. Suggest that she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, social security cards, bankbooks, children’s birth certificates and school records and other important documents. Coalition advocates can assist her with the development of a plan at the domestic violence projects.
• If she decides to leave, contact the local domestic violence hotline or battered women’s shelter . Battered women frequently face the most physical danger when attempting to flee. Advocates strongly advise that you be very careful when offering and providing safety in your home. Be very discreet and talk to domestic violence project staff about the best way to handle this.
• If you hear or see battering incident occurring, call the police immediately. “It cannot be overemphasized that domestic violence is a crime that can result in serious physical injury and even death,” according to the Department of Justice. “Calling the police does not always mean the abuser will be put in jail, but it is simply the most effective way to protect the woman and her children from immediate harm.”
• Consider volunteering for your local domestic violence project . There are a number of ways you can help: staff the crisis hotline, become a member of the board of directors, be a part of t he safe home network, become a member or sponsor a special fund raising event. Call your local domestic violence project.

  The Batterer It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering... In order to escape accountability for his crime, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the reliability of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens... the more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail.  -Herman, Judith, J.L. 1992, 'Secondary Trauma, Stress, Self-care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers and Educators,' Edited by B. Hudnall Stamm, PhD. Sedran Press, 1995"